|
|
|
|
Mod Breakdown:
|
+450 / +460 |
|
Karma Level:
|
+ 37
|
| Signed up: |
5 years ago (10/04/04) |
|
|
Last signed in:
|
1 year ago |
|
Total time online:
|
10d 6h 50m |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Missing out/ frustrated.
I'm just feeling so frustrated. At times I've felt a lingering frustration with one thing in particular. I always feel like I'm either missing out, or dont' get to do something on purpose.
I think it goes back to when I was in elementary school. I have a minor learning disability, so doing my Math always took ages longer than the other kids. Often it took the entire alloted Math time, or I'd have to take it home for Homework. If you finished with your work early enough, you could go play a computer game called Math in the Real world. It was essentially edutainment, but it had what looked like some really fun parts (at least for the day it was made)
I understand that childhood memories are fickle, but bear with me. I always will remember how I could never play that game. It made me incredibly sad. While I'm sure this happened once or twice, essentially, I finished my Math before the time was up, and was very excited to go play the game. I got the CD, and slid it in, and was all ready to play....when time was up. Yes, I finished my math 5 minutes before Math time was over. Yay me. Another time I was told (to paraphrase) "Class is almost over, there's no point."
In small ways this continued to Middle School, where some teachers would let their students goof off if they finished early. Of course I never got those teachers, and never finished my work early.
So this same frustration lingers even now. In small, and big ways.
Small ways? I want to play my Xbox. Badly. Every Friday night I see 1/3 my friends list light up with people playing Halo 3, COD4, etc. I personally feel very strongly about playing a game when it comes out, especially an online game. The experience is fresh, the people playing the game are caught in the same "wounderment" you are, and there's a vitality to it all that isn't there when a game is even 6 months old. It was heart breaking to not get to play Halo 3 or Bioshock until December (never mind that I tested Halo 3)
My Xbox was also a key way to keep in touch with friends working on a XNA game in Colorado. (More on this later)
But I have to keep my grade up or I lose my Scholarship. I also (I think) have to get a perfect grade in my film class if I want to have any chance in hell to get through my film school's gate program. 48 kids out of 150. That sounds like so so odds until they discuss this while you're sitting in a room of +100 people.
And then, bigger things.
I don't know if I'm cut out for film, and I desperately would like to get a job in the game industry, or something related to games.
But I don't have any sort of coding experience, can't draw, can't model, and can't script. This isn't BAWWWW, because 1) I guess I could learn coding, 2) Learn how to draw, 3) learn how to model (tried but failed), or 4) learn scripting.
I don't know what to do.
I look at people like rvb.roosterteeth.com/members/profile.php?uid=222914, and everything seems to be going well for him.
It's foolish to be jealous of people, but I do have a little envy. He's managed to become part of "the in crowd" with Penny-Arcade, and is on their friends list (I think). He's made connections, and applied for work at SOE.
Obviously I don't know the whole story. He could be just lucky, incredibly determined, know the right people, or hell, became such a uber-fan on the PA forums that when he volunteered to be an enforcer, he ended up making friends in all the right places.
I don't know. All I see is someone who's done alot of stuff I wouldn't be willing to do, or couldn't be do because my folks wouldn't let me.
I want to get involved in some things, but I fear that I would be forbidden from doing so. It's all bullshit to muse on random shit...but I just feel like I missed some great opportunities, and I'm missing them even now. For instance. If I had my Xbox last Semester, I could have gotten involved in the Grifball scene, and used that as yet another attempt to get more involved with the community, meet some people.
If I could keep up connections with my XNA buddy for instance, perhaps I would be able to join in with him, collaborate on some of his ventures. Get into games that way. But instead I'm sitting her in a dark dorm at 6:00. Typing this. and yes I'm aware of some of the flaws in this argument. Like "how do you know things would work out?" Or " Why should you have to become a massive game nerd, and buy tons of games to befriend someone?"
Or why do you need an Xbox to socialize with people on your floor? I know it would a great way to hang out with people, especially because my room actually has a good "hang out" set up going for it, but I just can't seem to manage to socialize very well....and now that Jim moved to back to Florida (my dorm neighbor) , and Ben is in resident housing, I lost the two people who would have been able to hook me up for Parties, and what not. Sure I've become better friends with the only people in my end of the hall, but I'm worried that they think less of me or something.....like I'm wierd... D:
While this sounds stupid, sometimes I feel like life gets in the way of what I want to do.
...
Well this sure has been a pretentious journal.
.....
Did you know that for several years running now, I would go to Pax, or to Child's Play, and say hello to Gus, and the RvB crew?
Every year it was the same blank expression, or they're too busy. Hell, even showed up at their QA's for a few years in a row. Plan to do the same this summer. Guess it would help if I had a Shark tatoo on my face or something.
....God I sound like a fucking stalker... ;_; or a fucking Lune.....
Despite everything that I know, and all my talents, I feel like a pitiful nerd.
Just a pitiful nerd who still feels bad about getting canned from his job.
|
|
|
| | |
| | |
| | |
| |
In a funk
Well, back at school.
My neighbors Jim and Ben have moved out. Jim lost his scholarship and ignored any offer of help that could have let him stay, and Ben went to a new apartment.
:(
Ended up with a room mate, Turkish exchange student, doesn't speak alot of english, and I keep trying to make him comfortable, but I feel like I'm getting a cold shoulder. Didn't even come back to the dorm tonight.
No Xbox....
I donnu, I feel like I'm bitching about nothing here.
I mean, today had my fav weather, nothing outrageously bad happened until a drunk fuckwit wasted an hour of my time 3 hours ago and ruined all plans of getting sleep at a reasonable hour.
I'm now browing the web unto oblivion searching for some form of satisfaction till I give up.
|
|
|
| |
So, I guess I should talk about stuff
So I might as well talk about my Christmas Greed a week after the fact.
Games: Bioshock, COD4, Shadowrun, Viva Pinata party animals (The last 2 were from a friend who works at Microsoft and so he picked them up for around 20 bucks total methinks. But yay, shadowrun)
I guess even though I got Mass Effect at Thanksgiving, it doesn't really count since I didn't get a big chance to play it until now.
-Bioshock
-Mass Effect
-Shadowrun
-COD4 (Technically for my brother)
-Viva Pinmario Party
I'm in pig heaven. I just need to pick up Orange Box, Assassin's Creed, and Ace Combat 6, and I'll be set. Now I'm really regretting my decision to bank my first paycheck....
-Loose Leaf Tea set (^_^) with 4 Black breakfast teas
-Starhammer ( a book that's been out of print for over 2 decades.)
-a HD monitor/tv.
I was floored by this. It's so useful. Now I can not only have a TV, and something to game on, but I can use it both as a monitor for my laptop, and as a 2nd screen for editing. I'm so grateful for this.
and my Grandma dropped by that night with other relatives. Normally, we just meet our relatives somewhere else, and have a good meal together, etc.
This year they came to our recently fixed up house, so good times were had by all.
But instead of getting a giftcard, or something like that, she gives me a set of surround sound headphones.
At this point, I'm going into metabolic shock from the overload.
A christmas where my Dad doesn't buy useless stuff? Where I actually get a couple games, and stuff that's incredibly useful? What fucking universe is this, and how do I stay here?
|
|
|
| |
Technically
I'm at university in Montana. Interesting stuff.
While I am musing over a trip with a friend or family member, I'm also debating "dropping" the site. It's been great hanging with you guys, but with most of you I have a means of contacting you outside rvb.
The only reason I'm really stayed is for you guys, to read Mazha journals ;_; , stay up to date on rvb stuff, and because of the easy to use journal system.
But I could just as well put my energy elsewhere.....and leave the page as something I visit every few months......
|
|
|
| | | |
|
|
|
|
|
