"We Need To Stablize Afghanistan"Bloody week in Afghanistan. There was the McCrystal report talking about how we'd loose Afghanistan in a year without more troops. I have one damn channel and the pundits are screaming about Afghanistan. And lo I have come down from the mountains to yell at you all.It's time.....it's time for IF FOOLSFOLLY WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.A.! You may now hum, "Living in America" by James Brown. So, I'm the Goddamn President, can't say I'm too surprised. Tough times call for certain measures that I excel at. It was only a matter of time, really. There are dozens of dossiers on the desk. Generals breaking down my door to tell me their glorious plans, including George Patton, who I've had resurrected to scare the piss out of the Germans.  I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you've heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war is a lot of horse dung. Americans, traditionally, love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle.. Good ole, Zombie Patton. He scares the fuck out of everyone. I like him. He's my new Vice President. You know, by God I, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against, by God, I do. We're not just going to shoot the bastards; we're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Arab bastards by the bushel. Goddamnit! I'm suspending elections. He'll outlive us all. He's President when I die...unless I've been eaten by zombies then it's time for the back-up President....  But here's a point where I disagree with Zombie Patton (but never the horrible evil science which re-birthed him). All the whining and angsting is over. We're pulling the fuck out of Iraq and if we're lucky it won't get pregnant. "Oh, Fools is liberal that's why he's--" Shut the whore up or Zombie Patton will have you shoving latrines for the rest of your miserable day! That's step one to great success! Step Two: Throw all those troops into Afghanistan. Afghanistan (or Stan to his friends) is a goddamn mess. We need all the help we can get to pull that fucker in line. So that's why this next bit is important. If there's two lessons learned from Vietnam it's Hippies suck and fighting insurgents in a defensive war is a waste of human life. It's offensive time! Against those who are killing soldiers. That's right, it's time for more war! I'll tell Saudi Arabia, in no uncertain terms, "You keep sending money to terrorists and keep training camps up and goddamnit I'll destroy everything you know!" "You can't," the bastard on the other end of the phone says, "You are dependent on our oil!" "Oh, damn...you're right. I didn't think of that. Psh. Who do you think you're messing with? You know what I just did? I just set half of your oil wells on fire. Prices will sky rocket. The fragile world economy's taking a death blow. And you know something? Bitch I ain't gone to war yet!" "You're crazy!" "I just destroyed your economy. 90% of your wealth comes from oil trade. You hold your oil above us but if we can't trade for it, goddamnit I'll bomb every oil well you have and doom your whole damn country." "You already did!" "I can do worse. Today, you see, I'm a merciful. This is a new West, mother fucker. You ain't got no human rights!" Step Three is simplicity itself. Sanctions on Pakistan. "Oh, that's weak." And then invasion. "Wha?" Oh, yes. The Taliban came from Pakistan. Al-Quada retreated to Pakistan 5 damn years ago (that the public knew, the government probably knew a few month earlier). The mountain passes between Afghanistan and Pakistan have always been hotbeds? Why is that? It's because they're running to Pakistan for sanctuary. Mother fucker there ain't no sanctuary from my wrath! 900+ dead American soldiers and our 'allies' in Pakistan are doing jack shit? Well, it's time for new fucking allies! The first wave will consist of the A-Team. Once they're dead the second wave of the The Expendables will hit the ground. General Patton and I agree that the Expendables will have killed everyone in Pakistan in about 4 days.  In 2010, Pakistan. If the Pakistani government, upon seeing aging action heroes undoing their whole country, decides to actually help us take out al-Quada...then we'll agree and call off the Invasion. But I want them routed and they better be significantly down and out in 2 years time or goddamnit, I'm going to invade again. And then I'm going to nuke Mecca. "It was Allah's will, mo fuckers." In fact, regardless I'm nuking Mecca. That way I can address the world with, "I just blew up Mecca! Lol! But seriously, I just committed a war crime and it feels great. And devoted children of Islam...where you going to pray to now? A significant portion of Mecca's in the atmosphere, bitches!" And just laugh for 15 minutes solid. Vice President General Zombie Overlord Patton will handle the press room. He'll mostly just stare hungrily at their necks and refuse to answer questions. When the Muslims get pissed off about this whole, "You destroyed Mecca" bullshit. I'll just bring up that all things move through Allah's will! "That city deserved to be destroyed otherwise I wouldn't be able to do it. Or nuke North Korea. Which I just did on live television. I'm an instrument of Allah!" ICC'll probably want to arrest me. The UN'll probably want me dead. In a last act of bringing world peace I'll probably use a time machine to escape prison. I'll go back and kill Muhammad while he was a good for nothing merchant. It's the only sensible thing. |
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