Life is a pattern of a pattern.Play me while reading! *it sets the mooood, giggity*If I miss RvBTO this year, I want to make an RvB-Post-PreO-Pre-TO (much love to my PreO alum) to see all my TOers. Among the thoughts that make me saddest would be spending a year in Germany while going two years without seeing some of the most important people I've had the privilege to meet. Also, by exception due to academic conflicts, it should count towards my veteran status (I must not slip out of the Veterans club >.<). It has started to hit me the last couple of days how serious the situation is in having to prepare to leave this Summer for a year abroad with the closest familiar anything being thousands of kilometers away. It's like childhood all over again when I moved to the States and the only people I knew were my parents and sister. Maybe this is all dredging up that sad little quiet 8yr old in me that forgot how to smile, that was afraid of that new reality, that for all I knew I was losing everything. At that time, and for the longest time thereafter, the only way I knew how to cope was to sever myself from the world. I learned that when you make a connection with someone a part of you stays buried within them, a private funeral you attend in a graveyard of memories when they longer are around to see. And so I stayed an island onto myself. I no longer had to grieve the quiet deaths, but the void meant there was no one to grieve for me. Decades pile high along the bottom of the glass. I'm eight years old again. I have friends who I cherish dearly, the girl I long for secretly, it is all a taped patchwork of what it should have been and I'm looking at the stars with a deep sigh held in my throat at how close to perfect this moment is. And in a year it will all be gone again. But this time I'm still smiling. Maybe because I know how this story ends this time, maybe because I know I'll always be at home with you. And because the mood, it is all so open and vulnerable, I'll ruin it by talking about my quote of the week, In German class, my professor is a German woman who was born/raised/educated there. The class manages to sidetrack her into talking about what they call Halloween there, what are major German holidays and such, and someone brings up, "Is there a Hasselhoff Day?" "No *sigh* but there should be, he's so beautiful." Proving once again: Germans love David Hasselhoff. Wit viel liebe, -Phoenixrage I refuse to love Hasselhoff, unless it raises me a letter grade* LINKED MEDIA
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